Going from the photo I posted yesterday, day one of this 30-day blogging challenge is…
Describe your current relationship. If single, discuss how the single life is.
Being single is…really fucking weird, that’s what it is.
I say this because since December of 2006, I have spent a combined 3 and a half months being single. And today marks day four of the latest stretch–a stretch that I absolutely did not expect, because I was under the assumption that I was with the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with, or at least a considerably larger portion of it. And it’s just…weird.
On one hand, I am now free to choose what I will do with myself for my career and my location. I can stay in Orlando, attempt to work for Disney, and start paying off my loans after I graduate next year. I have a decent outlook on my future and a lot to look forward to.
On the other hand, I lost the love of my life on Thursday. He was someone who understood parts of what it was like to be like me. He was someone who I would lay down my life for, but most of the time just making him happy sufficed. He was someone I trusted to be okay with all of my quirks and asterisked fine print, but in the end was so put off by some of those things that he chose freedom and the ability to find someone without them. And I’m okay with that, because it makes sense, but my heart is still broken. The worst part about all of this is that I don’t want someone else, I don’t want any of the other ‘fish in the sea’. I’m not a fish. I’m a goddamned platypus, and there’s this sinking feeling that there aren’t any others out there who would be right for me in the way he was.
And so, I’m single. My ring finger bothers me on a daily basis because I decided to take my ring off. I’m still fat, but I’m going to try to work on that. I have really good friends who are taking care of me whenever they have the time to do things with me. Nights are the worst. My roommate moved out last week and my other suitemate is home for the fall break, so I’m utterly alone, but I’ve been watching a lot of documentaries to compensate. I’ve been eating decently, but I want to try and improve.
I miss him. Like crazy. I miss the companionship regardless of whether or not it was romantic. I miss being able to go to sleep knowing that in the morning I could tell him I loved him, because I still do. I miss being able to stand behind him while he played video games and watched anime so I could wrap my arms around him and feel his warmth. I miss the good feeling I got when I would speak to him increasingly in his native language and watch his eyes light up when I solved problems with my speech on my own. Now, my language class brings on a sense of dread. I miss always having someone to talk to and listen to what I had to say. But most of all, I miss his sweet voice. He used to sing at the top of his lungs no matter how little of the words he knew. Sometimes I would be annoyed, but most of the time it would make me happy because he radiated pure joy to everyone around him. He knew how to take a sad situation and make it better. He just…knew.
In the end, I am learning to let go. I never considered him to be ‘mine’, but I have to learn how not to be ‘his’. I have to learn how to be ME, while at the same time not letting ME become someone that will scare people away. I think that’s what he needs–someone who isn’t ME, because ME can be fucking scary and unpredictable and altogether not perfect for long-term usage. My only hope is that he is surviving this, too. I know, deep down in my heart, that things will not ever be the same no matter what happens. But in the end, relationship or not, my only wish was always for him to be happy. I’m going to have to work on making myself that way as well. I just hope that we both can someday sit down and talk, as friends, whether it’s from behind glowing screens or face-to-face. He was my best friend. That would be a terrible thing to have lost.